A Visit With My Grandmother

This weekend I was visiting my grandmother who now, at the age of 95, has recently moved into a skilled care setting.  I was sitting there talking with her and bringing her up to date on the happenings in our family as I frequently have to do when I go see her and it occurred to me that my grandmother is the essence of Aging with Ease.  She is the true inspiration for why I began writing and trying to help others.  She is the reason that I care and respect older adults the way that I do.  I have watched her progress from the vibrant person who would always be ready for play to the old woman who now mostly sits in her chair, content with her life and herself the whole way through.  It is her attitude toward life that has aided her the most in gracefully going through the aging process.

I can remember when I was 12 years old and my grandfather became ill with cancer.  I can clearly recall the way in which my grandmother cared for him with respect, love and laughter.  Never changing the way she loved him or how they communicated with each other.  It always stayed with me how she faced the reality of the situation head on, would tell you what she thought about it and then just simply do what needed to be done.  There was never a doubt in her mind, at least not that I saw, of what she should do, care for and love him.  Of course, she would be sad sometimes, but it never held her back; she seemed, to me, to gain strength from the hard times.

Not long after my grandfather passed away is when she decided it was time to sell her house and move to a retirement community, there was no changing her mind.  She knew she could no longer care for the house any longer and the memories that she shared with grandfather in the house that he built for her was just too much.  It was time to move on!  Our family would discuss with her other possible options besides living in a retirement community but her mind was set.  She would say: "This is what I want to do, I don't want to live with my children."  So everything was packed up and the house was sold.

My grandmother transitioned through every level of care within this retirement community over a span of about 18 years.  With every move, she accepted it with ease and trust that she would be taken of even though with every move she was slowly losing her sight, her hearing and eventually her mobility.  She never once doubted her faith or her family.  She would find laughter in the situation and was always so very grateful that we were there for her.   So thankful we were there to make sure that everything would be done the way she would want it and that the things that were most important to her stayed with her.

Now, as she sits in her favorite recliner, unable to see anymore and hardly able to move with out help, all she prays for is a peaceful end to her life.  Not because she is sad or depressed.  If you would meet my grandmother, you would know that she certainly is none of those things.  My grandmother even at the age of 95 could still be the life of a party.  She hopes for the end because she has lived her life to the fullest.  She has no regrets.  She has lead a happy and full life by having fun and helping others.  She is simply just tired, her body aches and she cannot do the things that she once did.

She has gone through the aging process with grace.  I can only hope to follow in her footsteps, even just a little.  In my work I have seen the direct result of negative attitudes on a person's health.  The mind is the most powerful tool you have in overcoming challenges in your life.  She showed me how to always look for something to laugh about, especially if it is about yourself.  She showed me to just let it go.  She showed me that if you can't change what is happening, then find a way to handle it but keep moving forward.

I am truly blessed to have had a person like this in my life.  I think there are probably many people that don't.  All you can do is be responsible for yourself and your own attitude.  You cannot change the way other people think or behave.  The most you can do is maybe make them laugh, which sometimes is all that they may need to improve their attitude, at least for a while...

Finding joy in your life is the essence of Aging with Ease!

• When I originally made this post in November 2011, little did I know at the time that a few short months later my grandmother would get exactly what she was praying for.  She passed away on May 1, 2012.  Thanks to the wonderful nursing staff where she lived she died peacefully with a photo of my grandfather right beside her and her music playing, just the way she wanted it.  I miss her everyday!

It Might Be Time to Step In...

As a child of aging parents, it can be difficult to know when your parents can no longer manage on their own.  Your mother or father will become very adept at keeping it looking good.  You will become very good at looking the other way.  It is not easy to look at your parent as someone who needs help with their activities of daily living.  Parents are the people you turn to for support, advice and strength - not the other way around.  On top of that, your parent will most likely become upset with you if you even suggest that they cannot manage on their own anymore.  No one enjoys confrontation, especially with our parents.

Some of the sure signs that someone may need to step in are easy to spot, if you are looking for them.

• Things in the house are out of order from the normal (laundry piling up, dirty dishes, messy floors, etc.)

• Mail piling up and bills not being paid

• Body odor/ Poor hygiene

• Frequently losing or misplacing things

• Forgetting to go to appointments

• Spoiled foods in the refrigerator

If you notice some of these signs, you need to take a closer look.  There are numerous reason that these things could be occurring.  Pain, fatigue, or memory loss just to name a few.   As uncomfortable as this discussion may be, it needs to be done.  Avoiding it until the situation becomes a crisis will decrease your family's control of the decisions that need to be made.

If you have siblings, you need to involve them in these discussions.  This is a family matter; it should not completely fall on the shoulders of one child.  Typically one child will become the primary care taker for your parents but that does not mean that all the decisions fall to you. 

If you are an only child, seek advice and guidance from other family members.  If you feel like you have no one to help you with this problem, you can look for support online, your parent's physician, your pastor or your local Area Office of Aging. 

Expect confrontation when you approach your parent about these concerns.  Try to keep your cool.  Continue to talk with them calmly and respectfully.  It may need to be brought up more than once until you are able to have on honest conversation with them about the changes that you are seeing.

Knowing when to step in aides older adults' ability to experience Aging with Ease!

The Value of a Quality Movie!

Ahhh, the movies!  Who doesn't love a good movie?  They can entice your senses.  They can make you dream of another life.  They can give you hope.  They can scare you to death.  They can make you feel warm and fuzzy.  They can open your eyes to the world.   They can make you laugh and cry.  They can educate you.  So many ways that a good movie can satisfy the senses...  The value of a movie is one thing that does not change as we age.  Movies can satisfy your senses at any age!

 However, in this day and age as an older adult, it can be hard to find a good movie to go see.   So many of the current movies don't seem to offer a whole lot of value.  Let's face it, many of them are just plain raunchy!  They seem to just be trying to shock you by just how inappropriate the content can get.  I was thinking about this during the past week as I searched for an appropriate movie to take a group of clients to from the Adult Day Center that I work in.  There were very few choices and really nothing with any value to them. 

I feel that mainstream movie-makers are missing a fairly large group of potential moviegoers by not having more options of movies available for the older population.  As I looked over the listings at our local movie theater, they were showing 12 different movies and only one of them was one that I would even consider taking a group of older adults to.  HELLO, baby boomers are now the largest group of people over 60 years old that has ever occurred!   They should have more options for satisfying their senses when they want to see a movie.

We routinely show movies at the Adult Day Center that I work at.  They are mostly older movies that they have requested to see.  Movies are a great way for them to remember their past.  The movies we show tend to spark memories in our clients, which induce conversations in the center.  I view that as a successful activity.   Any activity that gets people talking to each other and reminiscing about their lives should be viewed as a good thing.  I love hearing these conversations.  It helps me learn more about who these people really were in their life.  It also makes me realize that everybody essentially wants the same things in life.  To be happy, loved and secure. 

The selection of older movies that can be shown  are endless but try to find a list of current movies that fits the criteria, the list does not form so quickly.   I suggest that this is because our society just simply does not value our older adults as they should.   The majority of movies today are driven to attract the young.  Don't get me wrong, I love the movies.  All types of movies.  I am simply suggesting that more quality movies be made more often.  By "quality movies" I mean movies with substance that inspire hope, real life and give a connection to life.  Movies such as: The Help, Moneyball, The Notebook, Blindside and The Greenmile come too far and few between. 

Satisfying your senses keeps a person on the path to Aging with Ease.

Stay Young, Keep Learning!

“Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.” Henry Ford

This is one of my favorite quotes.  Whenever I feel that there should be more to my life, I find that learning something new makes me feel inspired and young again.  One way you can continue to learn as you get up into those older years is to join groups that offer new learning experiences for you among your peers and at a reasonable cost.

If you live in my area, Southeastern Pennsylvania, then you should check out the Pathways Institute.  They offer many opportunities for older adults to continue to feel young by learning and having new experiences. Click on the below image to view their site and check out their fall schedule!

If you do not live in my area, not to worry.  There are groups like this all over the country, you just need to search for them.  If you are having trouble finding one in your area, send me a message and I will help you try to find one...

Learn something new everyday to maintain Aging with Ease!

Maintain the dignity!

How do we maintain dignity as we Age with Ease?  This can be answered in two ways: from the point of view of the aging adult or from the point of view of the caregiver of that aging adult.  I am going to speak on the point of view of the caregiver.  In my years of caring for older adults, I have seen all different kinds of approaches on this matter.  Some work, some clearly do not.  I think the best way to answer this question is fairly simple: How would you want to be treated?  It can be hard to put yourself in the role of the other person and know how what you are saying or doing is affecting them.  By simply asking yourself how would I want to be treated if it was happening to me, you can better provide assistance.  This will, in the end, make caring for someone easier because they will feel respected.
As I write about this topic there are certain caregivers that come to mind.  They so easily and naturally provide this respect and dignity with very little effort.  They are spouses or children that are providing care.  They are dealing with different types of conditions: dementia, Parkinson's, ALS or a stroke, just to name a few.   In observing them, the main thing I notice they all do is continue to keep their loved ones involved in their lives and the things they always enjoyed doing.   They don't stop living because of the illness.   This can take some creativity.
Some examples of what I am talking about:
1.  Let's say your husband has dementia. Chances are, that is his main health problem and he's probably still pretty physically able.  So when winter comes around, can he still shovel snow? Yes!  When fall comes around, can he still rake leaves? Yes!  When spring comes around, can he still help mulch the flower beds?  Yes!  When summer comes around, can he still help with yard work? Yes!
While these activites may need you to supervise him discretely, he is still physically able to participate in your life.  It will make him feel useful and satisfied that he can still participate.
2.  Let's say your wife has been diagnosed with Parkinson's.  You are noticing that she is having trouble getting dressed and with her medication management but you feel uncertain about how to discuss this topic with her.   These situations can be delicate because you want to be sure to present the problems you are observing just as that, observations.  You don't want to make her self-conscious about her abilities.  So what do you do?  Be upfront and just talk with her about it calmly; communicate with her as you would about anything else. Ask her what she needs to make her life easier.  Decide together how to proceed, offering suggestions.  Solutions that make her day easier could be very simple at first.  Maybe laying her clothes out for her or rearranging the set up of your bedroom or bathroom.  Preparing her medications with her for the day of the week in pill boxes.   Whatever you do, don't let her continue to struggle and pretend that you don't notice.  It never feels good to fail day after day doing simple tasks or to feel alone in the process.   You need to remember that she can still participate in the decision-making process in your lives even if she has Parkinson's.
3.  Let's say your father has suffered a stroke and has come to live with you and your family in your home.  This is a huge adjustment for everyone!  As a result of his stroke, one of the problems is that your father has difficulty with his speech - he is hard to understand but yet is still very alert and oriented.  Speech difficulties can be especially frustrating for stroke victims and their families.   You notice that he seems depressed and has withdrawn from the activities that he used to enjoy.   It is important to break that cycle and to break it as soon as possible.  He needs to be reminded that he is still able to participate in life.   Look for useful things that he can do around the house to make him part of the household.  Find a chore or two that he can successfully do and is responsible to complete.  If he was a people person before and now sits at home all day, consider an Adult Day Center or Senior Center.  Try to involve him is your lives as much as possible.  People need to feel useful and have a purpose. Most importantly, you need to discuss this with him and decide together how to proceed.  If he feels like you are making decisions for him, he will most likely resist and then have trouble trusting you if the future.
These are just some examples.  Any solutions, of course, are going to be unique to your family.  If you are struggling with finding a solution for your unique problem, feel free to send me a message.
Aging with Ease cannot be done without maintaining dignity!

Retirement- Where To Begin?

Are you on the verge of retirement?   Are you already retired and trying to figure out how to manage your life, finances and family?  Find out what people are saying about retirement, some reasons for concern and how to begin to plan to actually retire...

The National Public Radio has some interesting broadcasts about retirement that are worth listening to.  If you have not done it yet, it is time to seriously start educating yourself about retirement.  Unless, of course, you plan on working until the day you die.  Click hear to view some of their broadcasts.

The Benefit of Adult Day Centers

So one of my clients pointed out a "Dear Abby" column from a few months ago and asked me: "Why is there nothing in this response about Adult Day Services?"
I read the column and sure enough not one mention of Adult Day Services.  In the column a family is dealing with the ever changes and challenges of Alzheimer's Disease.  They have concerns for safety, inability for self care and isolation.   These are all areas that can be meet with an Adult Day Center at a fraction of the costs of in-home or long term care.
Don't get me wrong, each situation is unique and should be evaluated by the entire family together including the person with the illness.  The suggestions offered in the column's response are excellent choices but I do feel that all options should be represented.
At Adult Day Centers people can attend daily, most centers are open by 7am and don't close until 5pm, there are even some centers that specialize in memory loss programs.  All Adult Day Centers must be licensed by their state.
Be sure not to confuse a Senior Center for an Adult Day Center there is a big difference.  Senior Centers, like Adult Day Centers,  are a place for older adults to gather and participate in different activities that may be available that day.  The difference comes in when the client starts to decline, maybe physically, maybe mentally.  At a Senior Center they will not provide the personal care needs but at an Adult Day Center they will.  If confusion starts to become a problem or they have poor motivation to participate and become part of the group typically a senior center will tell you that it is not working out there for that person anymore but at an Adult Day Center our staff will help engage clients in the activities, find things for them to do that interest them, provide activities to promote self confidence so they can feel success instead of frustration with their losses.
I could go on forever about the benefits of Adult Day Center and I am sure this will not be the last that you hear about how great they are.  If you have or know someone that is older and spends to much time at home, alone, whether they have memory loss or not, please check out an Adult Day Center near you,  you might be surprised what you find.

 Click here for Dear Abby column