The care of someone who is reaching the end of their life is a
difficult process to undergo no matter what their age is. It is a time
of self doubt, constantly asking yourself if you are making the right
decisions, wondering if this is what your loved one would want.
Most
of us do not think about reaching the end of our lives on a regular
basis and what we would want if that time came upon us. I know that I
would want to die with dignity, without pain or discomfort, and
surrounded by the people that I love. In my experiences with helping
patients and their families through this stage of life, they all want
those things also.
This truly became apparent to me when I needed
to provide care for my father-in-law at the end of his life. I really
did not know specifically what he wanted to be done, what his wish was
for this last portion of his journey through life. I was very close to
him and tried to put myself in his shoes to try to figure out what I
would want if it was me that this was happening to. Not an easy place
to put yourself!
My father-in-law passed away rather quickly from
cancer
that had spread from his lung to his liver and to his brain. His final
diagnosis was established in late October 2008 and he passed away in
our home in February 2009. When we were first told the results of his
tests, it seemed to me that he was ready to fight to live, but as I look
back now at that time, I realize that he knew before the diagnosis was
even confirmed that he was in the last stages of his life. Even with
that being said, he agreed to the treatments and followed all the
instructions to the letter. I think he did those things to give the
people he loved time to deal and accept the situation that was at hand.
He would have discussions with me and his son (my husband) about
certain aspects of possessions he had and wishes for those closest to
him, but we never talked about what he wanted for himself when he was no
longer able to communicate with us.
In the end, we brought him to
our home to be cared for until his last day. I was constantly second
guessing myself. Is this the right thing to do? Is this what is best
for my family? Can I do this? Nothing can prepare you for providing
end-of-life care for someone so close to you. People think that because I am a nurse and have helped many families through this process that it would somehow be easier for me. I can assure you that having had the experience I had in my work only made it harder. Having been through this process so many times before with people that were not my family, I knew all the stages and what to expect. This was the one time
in my life when I wished I was more ignorant. I knew what it meant when
the confusion set in. I knew what it meant to start giving the
morphine to control the pain. I knew what it meant when he could no
longer respond to us. I knew what it meant when that very distinct
smell arrived. I knew what it meant when his breathing changed.
Knowing all these things only made it harder but also reassured me that
there was no other place that he should be than with us.
My father-in-law died with dignity, without pain and surrounded by the people that loved him. With the help of
Hospice, we were able to give him those things in our home, a place that was his second home, a place that he knew well and felt he belonged.
Was
it the right thing for my family? YES! Was it the right thing to do?
YES! Is this what he would have wanted? YES! Did we make the right
decision? YES!
I only hope that when I find myself in the last
stage of my life that I am surrounded by the people that I love the
most, that I
die with dignity and that my
death is peaceful.
Let
your wishes be known to those that love you! Help your family with
making these decisions when you can't. You are never too young to think
about these things. My father-in-law died at the age of 56. Having some kind of direction from him about his end of life care would have been priceless to us.
Five Wishes
is a great tool for you to use to write down these wishes for your
family and take some of the burden off of them. I would have valued
this information in the care of my father-in-law had I known of it then.
- Click image to view
Aging with Ease includes preparing for the end of life, not only for yourself but to help your family know your wishes!
