Most of us do not think about reaching the end of our lives on a regular basis and what we would want if that time came upon us. I know that I would want to die with dignity, without pain or discomfort, and surrounded by the people that I love. In my experiences with helping patients and their families through this stage of life, they all want those things also.
This truly became apparent to me when I needed to provide care for my father-in-law at the end of his life. I really did not know specifically what he wanted to be done, what his wish was for this last portion of his journey through life. I was very close to him and tried to put myself in his shoes to try to figure out what I would want if it was me that this was happening to. Not an easy place to put yourself!
My father-in-law passed away rather quickly from cancer that had spread from his lung to his liver and to his brain. His final diagnosis was established in late October 2008 and he passed away in our home in February 2009. When we were first told the results of his tests, it seemed to me that he was ready to fight to live, but as I look back now at that time, I realize that he knew before the diagnosis was even confirmed that he was in the last stages of his life. Even with that being said, he agreed to the treatments and followed all the instructions to the letter. I think he did those things to give the people he loved time to deal and accept the situation that was at hand. He would have discussions with me and his son (my husband) about certain aspects of possessions he had and wishes for those closest to him, but we never talked about what he wanted for himself when he was no longer able to communicate with us.
In the end, we brought him to our home to be cared for until his last day. I was constantly second guessing myself. Is this the right thing to do? Is this what is best for my family? Can I do this? Nothing can prepare you for providing end-of-life care for someone so close to you. People think that because I am a nurse and have helped many families through this process that it would somehow be easier for me. I can assure you that having had the experience I had in my work only made it harder. Having been through this process so many times before with people that were not my family, I knew all the stages and what to expect. This was the one time in my life when I wished I was more ignorant. I knew what it meant when the confusion set in. I knew what it meant to start giving the morphine to control the pain. I knew what it meant when he could no longer respond to us. I knew what it meant when that very distinct smell arrived. I knew what it meant when his breathing changed. Knowing all these things only made it harder but also reassured me that there was no other place that he should be than with us.
My father-in-law died with dignity, without pain and surrounded by the people that loved him. With the help of Hospice, we were able to give him those things in our home, a place that was his second home, a place that he knew well and felt he belonged.
Was it the right thing for my family? YES! Was it the right thing to do? YES! Is this what he would have wanted? YES! Did we make the right decision? YES!
I only hope that when I find myself in the last stage of my life that I am surrounded by the people that I love the most, that I die with dignity and that my death is peaceful.
Let your wishes be known to those that love you! Help your family with making these decisions when you can't. You are never too young to think about these things. My father-in-law died at the age of 56. Having some kind of direction from him about his end of life care would have been priceless to us.
Five Wishes is a great tool for you to use to write down these wishes for your family and take some of the burden off of them. I would have valued this information in the care of my father-in-law had I known of it then.
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