Choose Your Battles Wisely

When you are the caregiver for someone, it is essential that you choose your battles wisely.  Caring for someone suffering from dementia, brings times when you will find yourself having the same frustrations with them over and over again.  This is not something they can change.  This is something you must change about yourself and how you handle the situation.

For example, a frequent concern my client's families come to me about is their loved one's refusal to bathe.  Most of us probably shower on a daily basis.  Prior to their diagnosis of dementia, so did your loved one.  It comes as a shock that this very basic activity of daily living is something that they no longer want to or are able to do. 

This can be very frustrating for some caregivers.  I try to help the caregiver realize that this is an issue they have to get over.  If you look at your loved one's current level of activity, it is probably significantly less than it once was so a bath every day is really not necessary.  They probably hardly ever break a sweat.  Unless there are incontinence problems, they have an odor or they have sores, the need for daily bathing is a routine that can be changed.  This is a daily argument or frustration that you could avoid.  Another thing to consider is home health care; in my experience, people are more likely to listen to a stranger that they recognize as a care taker than their own family when it comes to personal hygiene.  If you try to look at it from the patients point of view, it would feel degrading to some degree to need help from your spouse or your children to bathe. 

Another example, which is also a chronic problem that I hear, is difficulty having your loved one with dementia change their clothes.  How many of us wear the same outfit two days in a row?  Not anyone that I know.   So why do so many dementia patients develop this habit?  I don't have the answer to that question but it occurs none the less.

Rather than arguing with them about having worn that outfit yesterday or repeatedly trying to explain that their clothes need to be washed, a simpler solution might be to just remove the clothes they had on that day from their site when they get ready for bed at night and to lay out a new outfit for the next day the night before.  Seems like an obvious solution but you would be surprised at how many caregivers have never thought to do that.  Especially if it is a husband and wife dealing with this situation, they have lifelong habits and routines that have always worked for them and because of the progression of dementia those routines must all change.   Again this is also an area where home health care could offer relief for you in the daily care of your loved one.

I could go on and on with examples of ways that you could try different approaches to the ever-changing challenges of dementia.  The point I want to make the most is that you choose you battles wisely.   Attempting to argue with someone with dementia or trying to make them understand something that they are no longer able to understand or remember is a losing battle that will only make you, the caregiver, feel bad in the end.  The progression of dementia cannot be stopped or controlled not matter how hard you try.  Remember to try to enjoy each moment that you can no matter how brief they may be.  Spending your time trying to get them to understand something when they are no longer able to is a waste of your precious energy.


Choosing you battles wisely promotes Aging  with Ease!

Join Me In Supporting Alzheimer's Research

More than 5.4 million Americans are living with Alzheimer's disease today, and that number is expected to grow to as many as 16 million by 2050. And that doesn’t even take into account the nearly 11 million people who care for a loved one with the disease.

Again this year I am participating in "2012 Walk to End Alzheimer's" in Lancaster, PA.  The Alzheimer's Association leads the way in research, development, and caregiver support.  Join me in supporting this worthy cause either by walking with me or donating to the cause.  Donating is easy and even small donations can make a big difference. Just go online to alz.org/walk. Click on “Donate” and search for my name, Christy Carpenter, as a walker.

Supporting efforts to find a treatment for Alzheimer's Disease and supporting their caregivers inspires Aging with Ease!

Caregiver Help for Alzheimer's Patients

Many people that either have Alzheimer's Disease themselves or are caring for someone with the disease will face many difficulties adapting to the changes that are coming or are already happening.  You will be looking for help in learning more about what to expect, how you will manage financially, what legal matters should be handled and where can you turn for help.  If you have not located the Alzheimer's Association web site, you need to check it out.  It provides an endless amount of knowledge and guidance through the process.  I discovered and explored this web site after participating in the Alzheimer's Walk in September 2011.

I encourage you to click the above image to visit this site; the link will take you to their CareFinder page where it can help you find assistance in your area.  Explore the site and let me know what you think...

Remember to have a Good Time!

As a caregiver for someone with dementia you can become consumed by the daily chores that need to be completed.  You can forget that you need to find some fun in each day for you and your loved one.  This is important to help maintain your sanity through this process.  Laughter, as they say, is the best medicine for what ails you.

So how do you find that fun?  To find the answer, you need to remember some things you used to enjoy with your loved one but are no longer doing.  Maybe it is going for walks, visiting museums, going out for dinner.  Whatever it may be, you can find a way to still participate in these activities.

If you enjoyed going out to eat or visiting museums, you can easily still do these activities but I would suggest that you go to these places at non-peak times to avoid large crowds.  Too much stimulation can be upsetting to a person with dementia.  If there is too much activity going on around them, they cannot focus and feel overwhelmed.  They may even begin to become scared or paranoid by all the activity because they cannot take in everything around them.  To increase your chances of a fun time at these places, it is best to go to smaller venues with smaller crowds and less noise.

The same concept applies if you enjoy going for walks.  Find parks or developments that are quiet and not overpopulated to walk in.  People with dementia are usually still very capable of participating in physical activity.

Each day, I am sure, something unexpected happens, especially when caring for someone with dementia.  Try to find the humor in these unexpected events.  Say your loved one walks out with his shirt on backwards - instead of pointing out their error, maybe say "Are we having backward shirt day? Looks like fun!"  You will both be able to laugh about it happening instead of making them feel that they have made a mistake.  If they lost their glasses again, make it a game to find them instead of expressing frustration about their continually declining memory.

You will find if you use some respectful humor in these situations, it will make you and your loved one less frustrated with their decline.  As dementia progresses, it is important as a caregiver to live in the moment.  Do not expect your loved one to remember that one hour ago you went out to eat when they are now digging in the refrigerator looking for something to eat or that a half hour after returning from a walk he is looking at you for something to do.  They simply do not remember.  If you learn to appreciate that for that moment you are having a good time together and laughing, you will not be as disappointed when they don't remember.

If you have an activity that you and your loved one used to do together and are having trouble figuring out how you can still do this activity, send me a comment and we can try to figure it out.
Having a good time will increase your chances of Aging with Ease!

CLICK HERE to read about one couples journey through Alzheimer's and how they still are able to have a good time!

Maintain the dignity!

How do we maintain dignity as we Age with Ease?  This can be answered in two ways: from the point of view of the aging adult or from the point of view of the caregiver of that aging adult.  I am going to speak on the point of view of the caregiver.  In my years of caring for older adults, I have seen all different kinds of approaches on this matter.  Some work, some clearly do not.  I think the best way to answer this question is fairly simple: How would you want to be treated?  It can be hard to put yourself in the role of the other person and know how what you are saying or doing is affecting them.  By simply asking yourself how would I want to be treated if it was happening to me, you can better provide assistance.  This will, in the end, make caring for someone easier because they will feel respected.
As I write about this topic there are certain caregivers that come to mind.  They so easily and naturally provide this respect and dignity with very little effort.  They are spouses or children that are providing care.  They are dealing with different types of conditions: dementia, Parkinson's, ALS or a stroke, just to name a few.   In observing them, the main thing I notice they all do is continue to keep their loved ones involved in their lives and the things they always enjoyed doing.   They don't stop living because of the illness.   This can take some creativity.
Some examples of what I am talking about:
1.  Let's say your husband has dementia. Chances are, that is his main health problem and he's probably still pretty physically able.  So when winter comes around, can he still shovel snow? Yes!  When fall comes around, can he still rake leaves? Yes!  When spring comes around, can he still help mulch the flower beds?  Yes!  When summer comes around, can he still help with yard work? Yes!
While these activites may need you to supervise him discretely, he is still physically able to participate in your life.  It will make him feel useful and satisfied that he can still participate.
2.  Let's say your wife has been diagnosed with Parkinson's.  You are noticing that she is having trouble getting dressed and with her medication management but you feel uncertain about how to discuss this topic with her.   These situations can be delicate because you want to be sure to present the problems you are observing just as that, observations.  You don't want to make her self-conscious about her abilities.  So what do you do?  Be upfront and just talk with her about it calmly; communicate with her as you would about anything else. Ask her what she needs to make her life easier.  Decide together how to proceed, offering suggestions.  Solutions that make her day easier could be very simple at first.  Maybe laying her clothes out for her or rearranging the set up of your bedroom or bathroom.  Preparing her medications with her for the day of the week in pill boxes.   Whatever you do, don't let her continue to struggle and pretend that you don't notice.  It never feels good to fail day after day doing simple tasks or to feel alone in the process.   You need to remember that she can still participate in the decision-making process in your lives even if she has Parkinson's.
3.  Let's say your father has suffered a stroke and has come to live with you and your family in your home.  This is a huge adjustment for everyone!  As a result of his stroke, one of the problems is that your father has difficulty with his speech - he is hard to understand but yet is still very alert and oriented.  Speech difficulties can be especially frustrating for stroke victims and their families.   You notice that he seems depressed and has withdrawn from the activities that he used to enjoy.   It is important to break that cycle and to break it as soon as possible.  He needs to be reminded that he is still able to participate in life.   Look for useful things that he can do around the house to make him part of the household.  Find a chore or two that he can successfully do and is responsible to complete.  If he was a people person before and now sits at home all day, consider an Adult Day Center or Senior Center.  Try to involve him is your lives as much as possible.  People need to feel useful and have a purpose. Most importantly, you need to discuss this with him and decide together how to proceed.  If he feels like you are making decisions for him, he will most likely resist and then have trouble trusting you if the future.
These are just some examples.  Any solutions, of course, are going to be unique to your family.  If you are struggling with finding a solution for your unique problem, feel free to send me a message.
Aging with Ease cannot be done without maintaining dignity!

HELP! Caregivers Need To Reach Out.

When is it time to ask for help?  In my work, I am asked this question so many times, you would not believe it!   Whether it is Dementia, Parkinson's disease, ALS, just plain getting old or any other ailment affecting your family the question eventually always comes...  When should I look for outside help?
As a primary caregiver of someone you love, this can be a very difficult question to ask yourself, let alone someone else.  As a caregiver you may feel guilty about not being able to handle it all, or that in someway you have failed by admitting that you need help.  Here are a few things that you, as a primary caregiver should ask yourself:

1. Am I physically exhausted and overwhelmed by the situation?
2. Do I feel like I never have time to myself to just relax, read a book or do anything that is just for me?
3. Do I dread each day and what it may bring?
4. Do I view my loved one as a dependent and have trouble enjoying time with him/her?
5. Is my health suffering because of the needs of my loved one?

If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions you should begin to look for information and services that are available in your area.  I would also encourage you to be honest with the people closest to you about the true reality of your situation.  Many times caregivers try very hard to make things look as though everything is fine, when their reality is very different.  It is a way of coping for the caregiver to try to keep things the same for as long as possible.  I don't know anyone who does not try to avoid an unpleasant decision for as long as possible before facing it head on, especially when dealing with a progressive disease or condition with no cure.
In most situations the people close to you want to help and are just waiting for you to open up to them.  That is the best place you can start to reach out.  Making these decisions alone can be overwhelming and when you are already trying to deal with the everyday chores of being a caregiver that can feel like one more thing to do when in fact finding help can actually allow you to become the spouse, daughter, son, friend, or sibling again.
I started this blog to try to help families and caregiver find what it is the right path for them.  There are no right or wrong decisions about the path you choose except to do nothing.  If you have never dealt with anything like this before, how could you possibly know about what health services available- they certainly do not make them easy to find sometimes!  I will be posting more blogs about each of the services available out there and trying to give you some direction.
If you have specific questions about a need you may be having; feel free to write me and I will try my best to steer you in the right direction
The goal of course is Aging with Ease!

The Benefit of Adult Day Centers

So one of my clients pointed out a "Dear Abby" column from a few months ago and asked me: "Why is there nothing in this response about Adult Day Services?"
I read the column and sure enough not one mention of Adult Day Services.  In the column a family is dealing with the ever changes and challenges of Alzheimer's Disease.  They have concerns for safety, inability for self care and isolation.   These are all areas that can be meet with an Adult Day Center at a fraction of the costs of in-home or long term care.
Don't get me wrong, each situation is unique and should be evaluated by the entire family together including the person with the illness.  The suggestions offered in the column's response are excellent choices but I do feel that all options should be represented.
At Adult Day Centers people can attend daily, most centers are open by 7am and don't close until 5pm, there are even some centers that specialize in memory loss programs.  All Adult Day Centers must be licensed by their state.
Be sure not to confuse a Senior Center for an Adult Day Center there is a big difference.  Senior Centers, like Adult Day Centers,  are a place for older adults to gather and participate in different activities that may be available that day.  The difference comes in when the client starts to decline, maybe physically, maybe mentally.  At a Senior Center they will not provide the personal care needs but at an Adult Day Center they will.  If confusion starts to become a problem or they have poor motivation to participate and become part of the group typically a senior center will tell you that it is not working out there for that person anymore but at an Adult Day Center our staff will help engage clients in the activities, find things for them to do that interest them, provide activities to promote self confidence so they can feel success instead of frustration with their losses.
I could go on forever about the benefits of Adult Day Center and I am sure this will not be the last that you hear about how great they are.  If you have or know someone that is older and spends to much time at home, alone, whether they have memory loss or not, please check out an Adult Day Center near you,  you might be surprised what you find.

 Click here for Dear Abby column