Caregivers: FORGIVE YOURSELF!

I hear it so often, caregivers blaming themselves for declines in their loved ones' conditions or for not being ready for a change in their condition.  I am here to say that you need to forgive yourself!  When dealing with the process of dementia, those changes are going to come along no matter what kind of plan you have in place.  Sometimes they will come gradually, but more often than not those changes are going to seem like they come at you overnight.

Let's say one day you and your loved one wake up to start your day just like any other day following the same routine that you have followed each morning with success. You and your loved one get up, eat breakfast, take out the dog, get washed and dressed.  Today, however, you return to the bedroom to find that your loved one, suffering from dementia, is not able to figure out how to get dressed.  He cannot seem to comprehend what he should do first.  This is a common problem that develops as the disease progresses.  Your first reaction will probably not be to recognize that, especially if you need to be somewhere else.  You may react in a way that you will not be proud of later.  You need to forgive yourself!  There are not always clues that this change is coming.  It can seem impossible to you that such a significant change can happen that quickly.  Suddenly, it will seem like your whole routine has been thrown out the window.


When these declines in their conditions arise, it is a good time to take a step back and re-evaluate the whole situation that you are faced with.  Try not to show disappointment toward your loved one.

Believe me, this is nothing that they want anymore than you do.  If you take time to provide the assistance that they need and try not to let that initial reaction take control, you will be able to look back at the situation without guilt or blame.  You need to ask yourself, Is this a need that I can fulfill?  Be honest with yourself.

Some people can provide personal care without any second thought about it but we are not all built the same way.  Some people are very uncomfortable providing this personal care; help with bathing, dressing, incontinence, etc.  It can be especially hard to provide this care for the people closest to us.  Even though I have been providing all levels of care to older adults for 18 years, when my father-in-law became ill and we moved him to our house to be cared for until his death, it was very uncomfortable to transform from the daughter-in-law role to the nurse role with him.

If this is an area that you really are not wanting to provide the care for, you need to recognize that and try not to feel that you should do something that you are not prepared to do.  Let the guilt that will creep in go.  You cannot change who you are.   If you face this upfront and find other solutions for help with these needs you will, in the end, be better at caring for your loved one and yourself.

There are different places you can go to look for help with providing daily personal care needs.  Start with you local Area Agency of Aging (AAA).  They should be able to provide you with a list of Home Health Services available in your area. They also can tell you of different programs that they may offer to help you find the right care and subsidies that are available.  Another place that you may be able to find some less expensive in-home care is at your church or local classified ads.

In this time of poor economy and work lay offs, there are many qualified nurses or nursing assistants that are looking for additional work.  If you choose this option, though, make sure you do your homework.  Ask for references and check them!  Research what is an acceptable amount of money you should pay them and understand that because you are hiring them privately there is no company backing them to guarantee their work.  Invite them to your home and get to know them better before actually hiring them and make sure that your loved one likes them.  Don't let all that scare you away from it; some of the best in-home caregivers I know have been found this way. They became very loyal and devoted to the entire family.

Let me end by saying if you are a primary caregiver, you deserve to be recognized for taking on that challenge.  It takes loads of dedication, patience, creativity, balance and love to fill that role.  You should give yourself credit for all that you do to provide care for your loved one.  Try to let go of those not-so-great moments!
Forgiving yourself and recognizing ways to improve leads to Aging with Ease!
Click here to view Administration on Aging website to find your local AAA